Wednesday, May 12, 2010

On My Mind

When I first started this blog, I struggled with the themes that I wanted to touch on. I decided to keep it light - mostly about my art and cute things about my family. I've always been a hardcore journal-keeper

I have been keeping a journal since I was 9 years old. In my Sunday school class, we had a lesson about the importance of keeping a journal and made construction paper/binder paper journals of our own to take home. Mine was purple and I wrote "Heather's Journal" in my best cursive writing on the front cover and decorated it with pictures of flowers. Another little girl in class told me I was going to get in trouble for writing in cursive. Jerk.

That journal was the first in a long, loooooooong line of journals that I have made and kept over the years. My first entries consisted of observations about family life ("Dad is putting in a garbage disposal today and he's really grouchy") and made-up things about my dolls and stuffed animals. Later on, I progressed into longer treatises about love, my weight and other worries.

In 1999, I had my second serious love affair which was detailed minutely in my first computerized journal entries. The affair ended really badly and I left off writing in a journal. I deleted all of the journal entries from my hard drive (I *did* keep a copy on a floppy, buried at the bottom of my desk drawer - ignored and avoided for years) and couldn't bring myself to write anymore. My whole life was so full of pain and I had no desire to leave a record of it.

I've heard that people write in journals to work out their pain. For myself, I hate re-reading about horrible events in my life. Because I have no depth of understanding during those times, those entries are nothing more than sharp and stinging cries of pain. They are confused ramblings of a mind that is trying to make sense of a bewildering and chaotic situation. It's like listening to a baby cry when you can't comfort it. I used to be able to handle grief, but the older I get, the less able I am to process pain and discomfort. I didn't watch Titanic because I knew everyone died. Ouch. I am not an emotional junkie. I'm more of emotionally autistic...

So, my journal-keeping has been spotty at best over the last 10 years. I go in fits and starts. This blog is my latest attempt at being a regular journal-keeper again. The problem is, my life is not limited to just art.

My life is made up of work, my still-new-to-me marriage, the lingering repercussions of my husband's LAST marriage (read: his ex), my kid and my step-kids (hereafter referred to simply as 'kids'), my art, my cooking, my messy house, my weight, my infertility worries, my psycho family, my faith and other random thoughts. If I keep this blog only to record my art/craft things, I am going to be missing out on 90% of my life. It's very hard to edit out that much of life from my thoughts.

So... question: can I allow myself to feel free to write of other things? Do I have to do this for an audience? I, of course, will still share my art stuff, but I will probably have more entries dealing with day-to-day life. I need to be brave.

4 comments:

  1. I say write what makes you you. If someone just wants to read about your art then they don't have to read the entries that are family and life related. Even though I am of the belief that if the family part of life is going along smoothly the art portion excels as well. Personally I don't keep a journal because in my house "anything you say (or write) can and will be used against you", so if I do feel the need to vent I write it down, shread it and then fold some paper.

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  2. Write about anything you want. It's *your* blog.

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  3. Be brave, write what YOU want to! It makes life more interesting.

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  4. I agree with Nancy. Write what makes you, you.

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