|On the Road to Somewhere|
I am in the middle of a story right now. I don't know how long it is or even if it has an ending.
I suppose that's how it always is in life - you don't feel how anything can possibly be different from how it is right now.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I hurt my foot and then my knee. Since then, I have been affected in all ways. My drive to ... do has all but disappeared. And it's not like I'm spending all of my time watching TV or reading or anything fun. I don't even want to do that. I don't want to do anything. I can't even sleep unless I stay up until I absolutely drop (or take a sleeping pill). Next day, I don't want to get up in the morning. I go through the motions.
This has happened to me before. And it has gone away. The problem is, I don't remember it happening so soon after the previous time it happened. Of course, that makes me nervous. I'm going to become a Great Big Nothing. Eep.
In the evenings, Brian and I spend time together playing video games (I'm not proud) and listening to gospel lectures. The talks are good to listen to because they remind me of the Big Picture. One of the things I keep thinking about right now is from CS Lewis in The Screwtape Letters. He talks about people going through bad times and not feeling God's presence and Still Doing The Right Thing.
That's where I am right now.
I don't feel like doing anything. I feel empty. But I want to do the right thing anyway.
So, I am going to clean my house. I am going to create art. Darn it. I haven't made art in so long - I just haven't felt like it. But I am going to do it.
If it isn't good, that might not matter. Perhaps the effort will be the Thing That Counts.
One of the things about having a blog is the rather public nature of it. I don't want this to be a healing blog and I don't want to scare people off who worry that it might turn into that. Perhaps that shouldn't be a rule with me anyway. Maybe that's why I'm empty - I can't let myself be me. I'd rather have a blog that is full of pretty things. Lots of art and baking and happy children stories.
I think about this problem a lot because I want to have a pretty life. And, I really do know that my life is GREAT. I have a wonderful marriage. I have a cute kid (and a couple of cute stepkids). I have a JOB FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. Our cars work. Our house keeps most of the rain off of our heads. I planted tulips and they are coming up. My life is good, even if I can't feel a bit of that good right now. I think that's what I'm worried about. I can't feel it. It's hard to know what to do if you can't feel.
So I going to go through the motions because I want to do the right thing. The nice thing about doing the right thing is that you can't go wrong. I bet you feel better, too, after the nothing has passed. Guilt stinks. A little like my kid right now. Time to put him in the tub.