I have given myself a burden (all of the tutorial - done comprehensively and perfectly) and a deadline (yesterday, a month ago, last year) that are both impossible to meet.
When I was in college, I was always overwhelmed with homework. My thought was always I could do so much better on this assignment if I just didn't have a deadline! And ideas? I was FULL of ideas as a student. I just didn't have time. And I was jealous of other people who had time to go out and have fun. (I secretly wondered if that was why I didn't find a spouse in college - too busy doing other things.)
Now I am out of college - TWO colleges, in fact! I even have a job - TWO jobs, in fact! Both help my family function economically and keep us out of the poorhouse.
You would think I'd finally have time, right? Well, I do, but there is a catch.
I fill that time. With work. And deadlines. And impossible goals.
Fun? What's that? Time to sit and think and wonder and imagine? THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT, HONEY! I have made myself a taskmaster over myself and I'm not very lenient.
Here's the question -
Why do I feel it so necessary to fill each and every moment of my time with work?
Half-remembered thoughts bubble to the surface of my mind: You only have a little time here on earth and you have to make the most of it! We only take back to Heaven what we make of ourselves here! Don't waste your time here on earth!
Hmph. If I go to Heaven, I'm sure not going to have a lot of memories of it being fun, am I? Earth life sucked.
And I did it to myself. Why? A few reasons. 1) I'm a goal-setter. I told myself I am going to make this tutorial. Once I get it in my head, it doesn't go away until it is finished. OCD? Maybe. 2) Because I've let my blog get out of control again. I'm talking to other people instead of listening to myself. I'm naturally a people-pleaser, so I REALLY want to make other people happy (That's another one of the commandments that bubbles up in my remembrance - help others be happy!) and so many people want this information.
Unfortunately, I'm not a robot. I can work on the tutorial for a little while, but then it will suddenly overwhelm me and I want to run away from it for a time - a day? a week? several weeks? I worry about disappointing other people, but it won't get done any faster for the worrying. Probably quite the opposite.
And no one is pushing me to do it - just me. And I'm pretty sure everyone who wants the tutorial would be just fine with me taking the time I need in order to do it right. I'm the only one putting up a fuss. :)
So it will get done. I just need a bit of time to recuperate from the flurry of activity I had with it in the beginning. Perspective, that's what I need.
The nice thing is, the tutorial works. One of my proofreaders, Candie, went ahead and sent me a picture of one of her practice pieces. Here it is, with her permission:
It's going to be all right, eventually.